Nourishing Mother

When I left home last week, my lawn was a mess. A dry brown mess. It almost looks like the roots of the grass are coming out of the ground looking for water. It's a perfect picture of what my heart has looked like for a while. What my lawn needs is what my soul needs: water and reseeding. I'm getting both during my time back at Asbury Seminary.

One of the greatest gifts that I have received in the Beeson Program has been the opportunity to come back to Wilmore, KY. When I graduated from Asbury Theological Seminary in 2003, I didn't waste any time getting the moving van loaded up and down the road. I was ready to start a new phase in life and ministry and I didn't look back much at all. I came back for two Ministry Conferences (2004 and 2006) but I used those primarily as an opportunity to visit and spend time with my good friends, the Houks. I didn't really miss anything but the friends.

Something happened in the intervening years that has made this trip very different. I've found myself in need of water for my parched soul. Not the clean, pure water I prefer to drink out of bottles but flowing rivers of living water from the one who gives when we ask. I've been looking to myself for so much: needs, wants, success, spiritual depth and a bunch of stuff I can't even list. I've completely deluded myself into believing that I can provide what only Jesus can give. The woman at the well in John 4 tells Jesus he doesn't have anything to get the water out of the well; it's like she's saying "Jesus, you don't have the tools to give me what I need." How often I have treated Jesus like he doesn't have the tools or the ability to give me what I need. Here in Wilmore, I'm constantly reminded of the sufficiency of Jesus and those reminders are stripping me of my self-reliance. It's hard. It's painful. But thank God who waters and refreshes his people!

Not only do I need the living water Jesus talked about, I'm also in need of reseeding. I've been told that later in the fall, when we get more rain (please, God!) it will be a good time to plant seed that will help regrow the grass in our yard. Dry, hard ground destroys growth and once the rain comes it's important to seed and fertilize for good growth. For the fruit of the ministry to grow, I need to reconnect with Jesus, the Bible, and the rich depth of Wesleyan theology and praxis. The books, conversations, prayer, worship, and even the walks have been scattering these seeds within me (speaking of seeds and reseeding, have you checked out the Seedbed?).

To stretch the metaphor a bit further, for a lawn to be really healthy you've got to get rid of the weeds. I've also had a time here of reflecting on the reading and the lectures that have exposed some weeds in my spiritual life and my vocation as a pastor. I'm not usually fond of that kind of self-reflection, but if I'm going to be the Christian and pastor I know God desires me to be, I've got to pull those weeds by God's power and his grace. I praise God that he has not only brought me here but also that he has matured me to a place where I can deal with those weeds. It's humbling but deeply grace-filled.

I'm amazed at how this has come together in such a short period of time. There is an intensity of spirit here among our group and in this community that has been exactly what I need. I don't think I ever realized how badly my heart was in need of repair until I stepped onto campus this time. I've been to a few different schools in my lifetime, but Asbury is truly my alma mater.

Wrecking My Cynicism

I don't know where it started or even why, but I've been cynical about group projects, events, and experiences for a long time. What I mean by that is I have a hard time jumping into group activities, especially team-building exercises because I expect the group to let me down at some point. Being cynical and even a bit sarcastic about group activities has become a way of life for me which makes it a bit difficult to get to know people. It also means I've missed out on some pretty special moments in the past.

During the last four days of this Beeson experience I've had my cynicism wrecked in a way I was not anticipating.

I came back to Asbury with a call to do this program. It wasn't something I initially wanted to do but I sensed God's hand in the process and knew I had to be obedient. So, I left home and came here with a desire not only to do well with the program but to connect deeply with my spiritual home (which is the subject of another post). A desire to connect with my classmates? Well, you know, I have friends. Friends I connect with one on one. I don't need a group.

Except that I do. Except that God knows what I need better than I do.

I'm still having trouble putting words to what I've experienced with the group of Beeson pastors I'm on the journey with. They make my cynicism melt. I know the academic portion of this program will be great, but I already know that as of today, August 2, 2012, we will finish it together. As brothers and sisters in Christ. As fellow disciples who will not let any one slip away. Where, O cynicism, is thy sting? That's after four days. Four.

The picture above will be a symbol for me of our willingness to love, serve, and protect one another. We gathered in an, um, undisclosed location last night that was very dark. We lit a candle, sang together and prayed together. The Spirit was at work in those moments, destroying my cynicism. The Spirit has done a pretty miraculous thing in my heart already and I am grateful and expectant. Thanks be to God.

Back in the Saddle

I arrived on campus at Asbury Seminary on Sunday night to begin a new chapter in life and ministry as a Beeson Pastor. I will be on campus for a total of twenty-six days which is a very long time to be away from my family, but they have blessed me by sending me here and I'm deeply grateful.

The first couple of days have been primarily reorienting myself with Asbury. I graduated in 2003 with my Master of Divinity and have returned twice for Asbury's Ministry conference in 2004 and 2006. So, it's been six years since I've been on campus and while many changes have taken place it still feels like my spiritual home. This morning, my fellow pastors and I took part in a chapel service in the Beeson Center. I got to pray for my church and my family with a couple of other people and it was electric - just as I'd remembered feeling while a student here many years ago! I'm really looking forward to more opportunities like that in the weeks to come.

Over the next couple of days, aside from my classes, I'm going to get a chance to visit the new Ministry Center at the Francis Asbury Society, visit with one of my favorite professors and people of all time, and I have the privilege of serving as the Celebrant at a communion service here on campus. I can't tell you what that means to me. I have relished the opportunity to come back and serve my school in this way as an elder. Asbury invested so much in the fulfillment of my calling I feel like it's a small way of saying, "Thank you."

I'm going to continue to post updates as the days pass. I hope you will pray for me and my family!

Bishop Bledsoe Appeals →

Can't say that I'm surprised. I think all the options should be exhausted in this case. Bishop or not, these are very serious charges and I would hope that no stone would be left unturned for any elder.

Arkansas United Methodists' New Bishop →

United Methodists in Arkansas will soon welcome the Rev. Gary Mueller as the new bishop of the Arkansas Conference of the United Methodist Church. The Rev. Mueller was elected as a bishop last week at our Jurisdictional Conference in Oklahoma City, OK and was appointed to the Arkansas Area by the episcopacy committee. The announcement was made late Friday. I stayed up past my bedtime to watch the announcement through a live-stream.

We look forward to serving under Bishop Mueller. You can read a short article about him by clicking the title. My favorite part was this quote from the Bishop: "You start with the basics, and that’s Jesus and get the congregation to fall in love with Jesus and get excited about sharing Jesus." Amen!

Give Us This Day

For the last few mornings, I've been trying out something I taught to a group of people in May. When I pray, I pray the Lord's Prayerand pause between the words and sentences to reflect and pray specifically for the particulars. For instance, when I pray, "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us" I ask God to reveal in my heart the people I have not forgiven or people I am hard-hearted toward so that I may repent. Praying in this way has been a great experience for me and I hope that it continues to deepen my fellowship with God.

The part of the Lord's Prayer that has tripped me up during the last couple of mornings is "Give us this day our daily bread." I confess: I don't trust God for my daily sustenence. I have never wondered when and where my next meal would come from. I'm not bragging. It is the reality for a middle-class white American.

I'm afraid it is killing my soul.

It's killing my soul because it makes my ability to provide all the things I want and need a functional idol. "You shall have no other gods before me." Well, guess what? I've got a pretty sweet looking image of myself imprinted on my heart because oftentimes I trust in me more than I trust in God. I feel stupid for having written that, but it is a confession.

I have not asked God to put me in a position to find food on a daily basis - I'm still too comfortable for that. I am asking God to keep me from being lulled into believing that I can handle some stuff in life and God will handle the rest. Have I ever felt completely dependent upon God for everything? Have you? I feel that must be a terrifying territory to live in but one a part of me really wants to know. The intimacy must be amazing. The selflessness must be liberating. The ability to love others with no fear or anxiety must be what we have been designed for.

I don't know about you, but I'm praying just a little bit more everyday to know the joy of completely depending upon God. The break-up of my relationship with myself is sure to be painful, but more of Jesus and less of me is good for the world.

Asbury Seedbed →

I know I've written about this before, but I want to make another plug for the Seedbed at Asbury Seminary. In just a few short months this site has grown into such a fantastic resource for the church and the Wesleyan world in particular.

We are using the Echo catechism with our 7 year old daughter and I am amazed at how quickly she's picking up on the answers and also the depth of the questions she's asking. In addition to this resource, there are some unbelieveable free ebooks available. If you think the free ones are great, you'll want to check out the other books that are priced in a way that will leave you checking back regularly for deals. I've linked the store in the title so you can go straight there.

Don't miss the great article content, either. Second Breakfast? Oh my, I'd rather eat the wisdom of the church first and have food for my second breakfast.

I'm so very proud of my seminary alma mater for their work and contribution to the ministry of the church. I hope you will check them out.

Two Things That Make You Change Your Behaviour [sic] →

A great article by my friend Sam. I'll tell you why it is great and why you should read it: 1) It has a professional cycling link and cycling is awesome 2) It's so true yet so difficult for many of us to live day after day. No one likes suffering and few of us can keep our eyes on the reward day after day.

There are lots of applications for discipleship here, too. Have we encountered Jesus in such a way as to know what a great reward he is? Is getting more of Jesus enough to battle through the present sufferings of this life as we make the hard choices to follow him?

Go read and reflect!

It Was a Holy Mess

Probably one of the best summaries of our South Central Jurisdictional Conference last week.

Calling

We've been having a really interesting discussion about pastoral ministry and calling over at the BHT for the last day or so. Calling does seem like such a subjective thing but it really is powerful when a body of people affirm that calling. I wrote a short testimony of that experience over there.

Here's a great resource on calling from the Asbury Seedbed.